Sibling Rivalry

Sibling rivalry has existed as long as families. Think back to Biblical times and Joseph's problems with his brothers, or of the dreadful time Cinderella had with her step sisters!

Causes of Sibling rivalry vary, however, some factors include:

• The sex of each child
• The age differential
• The temperament of each child

Parents play an important role when it comes to the effects of Sibling Rivalry.  Here are some helpful "tips" for parents.

Make friends before birth - Get your older child acquainted with the new baby before birth. Show him/her pictures of a baby growing in mommy's belly. Let hem/her pat the baby beneath the bulge, talk to baby, and feel baby kick. Replay the older child's babyhood. Sit down with your child and page through their baby photo album.

1. Make the older sibling feel important - Savvy visitors who themselves survived sibling rivalry will bring along a gift for the older child when visiting the new baby.
2. Don't make comparisons - "I don't understand it. When Johnny was her age, he could already tie his shoes."  Instead of comparison, each child in the family should be given his own goals and levels of expectation that relate only to him.
3. Don't dismiss or suppress your children's resentment or angry feelings - Contrary to what many people think, anger is not something we should try to avoid at all costs. It's an entirely normal part of being human, and it's certainly normal for siblings to get furious with one another. This is the time to sit down, acknowledge the anger and talk it through.
4. Try to avoid situations that promote guilt in siblings. First we must teach children that feelings and actions are not synonymous. It may be normal to want to hit the baby on the head, but parents must stop a child from doing it. The guilt that follows doing something mean is a lot worse than the guilt of merely feeling mean. So, parental intervention must be quick and decisive.
5. When possible, let brothers and sisters settle their own differences - Sounds good but it can be terribly unfair in practice. Parents have to judge when it is time to step in and mediate, especially in a contest of inequality in terms of strength and eloquence (no fair hitting below the belt literally or figuratively). Some long-lasting grudges among grown siblings have resulted when their minority rights were not protected.
6. Listen to both sides - Children will be both buddies and battlers. We not only need to protect growing bodies from physical abuse, which siblings usually grow out of with few or no lasting scars, but more importantly, we need to protect their absorbing minds against emotional abuse - which is more likely to have life long consequences. Sibling abuse is not to be tolerated. If danger is apparent, remember, safety first and psychology second. First, separate the fighters; then instead of being drawn into the shouting match, calm everyone down and put on your home psychology hat on TOP of your authority hat.
7. Recognize any favoritism on your part - Maybe one of your children reminds you of a relative who played a positive role in your life; or a relative who was especially difficult. Or perhaps, your child simply has a personality or interests that are so different than yours that you can't relate. Subtle favoritism can manifest itself in ways that you don't notice, but your children do.
8. Have one-on-one time with each child on a daily basis - Even if it's just ten minutes, having that same amount of time with each child, individually, can go a long way. This is also a good time to ask the child what he or she likes about their siblings, or how they feel about them.